Rules for Driving on English Motorways

  • Please remember that the Highway Code is, in fact, incorrect. The left hand lane of the motorway should remain empty at all times, even when the other two lanes are bunged to the gills with cars.
  • Please remember to leave as little space as possible between yourself and the car in front, especially when driving at high speed (and preferably in the right hand lane) as this leads to multiple car pile-ups, about which the emergency services are perfectly happy.
  • If you wish to overtake a vehicle, under no circumstances should you move into the right hand lane unless there is only just enough space for your car between two other cars.
  • The indicators on your vehicle are, in fact, optional extras and should not be used at any time. This will only confuse other drivers as your indicators may not agree with the crystal ball on their dashboard.
  • When you require to leave the motorway, please ensure that you stay in the right hand lane until the last possible minute before winging your way to the exit.
  • When someone performs the action mentioned above, you should show your appreciation for them by honking your horn as loudly as possible.
  • On the rare occasions that the right hand lane is empty and you find it possible to travel at high speed, please ensure that you display your displeasure with anyone else who dares to cross into your lane by sitting two inches from their back bumper, honking your horn and flashing your lights.
  • When an accident occurs on the motorway, it is common practice to slow your vehicle down as much as possible in order that you may have a good look at the accident scene, thereby slowing everyone else up as well.
  • Never look in your mirrors before changing lanes – everyone knows that this is a silly thing to do as it may avoid an accident.
  • If the motorway is quiet, keep your car in the middle lane, even when only travelling at 40 mph.
  • Fog lights are a wonderful invention – everyone wishes to see them, but only if the weather is clear. Ensure that you switch them on and dazzle every other motorist.
  • Conversely, when there actually is fog, do not worry about switching on your normal vehicle lights, never mind your fog lights. All vehicles are fitted with radar as standard to enable to see your vehicle, even in the thickest pea-soup fog.

The most important rule of motorway driving is: HAVE A LOBOTOMY BEFORE TAKING TO THE ROAD!

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